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"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" ~ Psalms 37:4
About eight weeks ago, we started a process that would forever change our hearts. We did so after much prayer and discussion within our own family. We had decided that I would not have any children after B, but that we would consider adoption. While we had heard many things about the adoption process, we were not afraid of opening our hearts to the children that were waiting for us. The one thing that I felt would be my biggest obstacle throughout the process was not having control or knowing the outcomes. Working without real time lines, and working for something that I did not know how would end was a stretch for me. This was a tough thing to let go. I am a calendar / schedule oriented person. I need to know what is going on, when it is going to happen, and what it will be. Knowing the end result for me, has always made taking the path a little lighter. Derek on the other hand, is an at-will type of person. Unorganized, laid back, what will happen, will happen type personality. Through the years the mixture has blended well for us- most of the time. If you have never experienced the adoption process, it is one of many unknowns and unscheduled time lines. When I made our first call, I was told it could / would probably be late June or early July before we could get into a class because we were right in the middle of travel ball and the classes they offered did not meet our schedules. I remember thinking.... this will not work with my time line. In fact, they told us plan on a year, or 18 months before a placement could occur. I was floored to say the least... not discouraged, but determined that there would be a way to make this "fit" my time line. My last day of school was June 9th, and I wanted our baby June 10th- Seemed like a plan for me, there were children that needed homes, we were educated, and had the funds to march forward. Little did I know that things did not exactly march to my drum. So, I felt, well maybe it would not march to my drum, but I knew that there was a bigger force that could drive this process if I could really give control over to HIM. After that first call, I remember thinking... Lord, you know my desires, you know my schedules (or need for schedules) please let this happen for us. The very next day, we received a call stating that we could enter a class the following Monday that would be finished before the end of the month. When I spoke to our agency, they were baffled that we were able to get in so quickly, and I remember thinking... you just don't know who is leading this!
We finished our class, and our paperwork was turned in. We were told it would be at least two weeks before we heard from anybody for our home study. I gave them about four days, and then called to see who would be working with us. We were again told that it would be about 3 weeks before anyone could get to our file. I again explained my time line, JUNE 9th PEOPLE.. that needed to be my delivery date. The folks again told me not to be discouraged, that this process can take a long time.... I remember thinking... I really don't have a long time. We travel in the summer, we need to spend time with our son taking him around, and getting him ready for the new school year. I did not get discouraged, rather again, I went to the Lord asking him to please allow this to work within my time frame. I even told Him that he knew how crazy I could be without a working schedule in front of me... and really I get the "in His time, and in His way" and I was o.k. with that, I just wanted to know, to see, and to understand the timeline. I even joked he could burn the time line into my dining room table, just as long as he would take control of this situation and allow me to let go! The next day I received a call from our agency informing us we had been referred to another local agency, and that they would be in contact with us over the next few weeks. I felt defeated for one quick moment... not that I did not have faith, but fear that this would even extend the process. Why did I have that fear? I believe it was all the insecurities of the process that I had that Satan used to stir up my doubts... I again prayed that God would take this process from me. That he would allow me to give it to Him and work within His time frames. I know my issues with control ... and I told him to have at it. Because so much was going on during this time... we were approaching the end of the school year, recitals, extra practices, etc., and I just could not continue to worry about if this process was going to happen or not.
"We live by faith, not by sight' ~ 2 Corinthians 5:7
The next day, I received a call from our caseworker here in J- she advised me that she would be handling our case from here on out, and that she would also be completing our home study. When she told me that she could come out the NEXT day, I almost fell out of my seat! I told her that she could come the following week and we set our date. The next week was crazy. Derek was in and out of town, we scrubbed the house, worked in the yard to make everything perfect for this visit. A now very funny side note here... on the morning of our visit Elisha took the dogs to the vet in my car, and I was taking the girls to school in Derek's car, however, the incline in our driveway caused his 1 mile of gas to not reach the tank line and his car would not start. Now, it is really funny today when I remember that whole 30 minute ordeal.... that day, not so much! So... I remember telling him that I was not going to get upset, (remember he is the one that kinda bounces through life...) but that I was not going to take the girls to school- he would need to figure that out, and figure it out by himself! I remember going back into the house thinking we are never going to get a baby when my husband (who has a degree and is pretty successful) runs out of gas.... irresponsible, but anyway... he did get gas (thanks to the lawn equipment I bought him last year) and the girls did get to school, and he did happen to be in the shower when our caseworker showed up.... but again another story! Our visit was so good, I felt such peace, and I felt like we were making progress. I remember laughing and talking about our relationship and our parenting styles. I remember being specific about the ages of children we wanted - two boys age two and four. Then, I pulled out my calendar to set some dates, and was told that it was really not good to look at dates, this is a process that could take 6-8 months for placement. I remember thinking I don't have that much time... I am out of school June 9th and I need to know June 9th! And I can remember feeling at such peace when our caseworker left. That I knew by turning it over to Him yet again, he would make peace for me with this process.
From that visit it took 16 days for our home study to be completed with background checks, and everything else that needed to happen. 16 days of me really giving this entire situation to GOD- 16 days of my husband telling me that we would get our sons just like we asked for (ages 2 and 4). He completely felt that this process would work itself out, in the time that it was supposed too! During this time, I found a sweet boy that I really felt was right for our family. His caseworker was so terrible that honestly I felt like giving up. She was so unbending and mean- again Satan at work! I even remember going to church on a Wednesday and almost crying during choir because we did not make his first match staffing. I remember being told that God knows who is coming to us, and that this boy was not meant for us. I remember being so lonely in the process, I couldn't imagine going through this over and over. And I remember most of all again giving this process to God. For just asking him to remove my emotions, to allow me to step away from the process, and let his hand guide us to the finish. That he would bless us with this child!
I remember going out in the hallway and calling his caseworker back, and I remember her vaguely telling me who all was in the room... what I remember most is her telling me that we had been selected to be Jackson's family,,,, and I remember feeling so overwhelmed and loved by God. I remember thanking him, and feeling like for the first time in a long time how great it felt not to be in control of a situation, but being so comforted during the process! I remember how I felt like I was floating through the air, and I remember sending Derek an email telling him Jackson was ours! More than anything I remember that first visit to see him, and meeting him, and holding him, and thinking... wow! he is so perfectly awesome! My friend told me " that before the Earth was formed God made Jackson for me, that we would be his mom and his dad" That just overwhelms me when I think about it!!!! Then, after all that... they ask us if we would be interested in adopting his siblings... both boys one age 4 one age 7 months! I just about fell over. We found a blessing and were abundantly blessed in return! It makes me think of the lyrics God is good, yes He is. He's good all the time. God is good, you know He is. He's good all the time. You can search the whole world over, No greater friend you'll find. He's not good just once in awhile; He's good all the time.
We can't wait to share Jackson with you soon!
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