A Tale of Siblings

The Players-
Derek and Tonya - parents
Shameka and Louis - birth parents
Betty Edwards - DCF Client Relations
Mal and MaryEtta - The Devereux Organization
Debra (Debbie) Wise - Kids Central
Angela Juaristic, Maryann Highsmith, Lynn Ogletree, Bambi Moore, Aquanna Covington, James Grant - The Centers

Setting: Lillian B Community Center

Tuesday, Derek and I traveled to Ocala to have a meeting similar to a Family Team Meeting. In a family team meeting everyone comes together to work for the best interest of kids. These entire last 18 months have really been about 3 little boys. We went with the understanding that sibling visitation would increase over the next few weeks, so that the boys could be moved together for permanency. Shameaka has been excluded from participating with her boys because of yet another romp with drugs back in May. And that relapse she has only The Centers to blame. In their quest to keep the siblings separated they did everything they could to help her EXCEPT work with her spirit- They dressed her up, had her nails and hair done, let her come in and cry to her case worker Aquanna, but never once did they tough love her and provide her with any spiritual resources - Celebrate Recovery, AA, drug therapy- none of that deep needed stuff... The Centers are what we would call surface people... when it comes to doing the right thing- they just aren't going there.
I must say that Derek and I were most impressed with the Devereux Group. The make-up of the two ladies (Mal and MaryEtta) were truly a sign from God. They were probably maybe our age- very spiritual, very kid focused, and very honest. They were professional, and I think really wanted a good outcome from our situation. On a side note- while MaryEtta was the lead facilitator, however 2 other Ladies (Mal and another woman from her agency) came because in our minds this case is so OUT OF CONTROL!!!
It was good to see Betty Edwards again. I can truly say that she is the kind of DCF worker I want working for kids. She is fair, she is balanced, she is a thinker- She is really what got us through this ordeal over the last year. From her first call back to us in November of last year until now, she has been steadfast in her attention to our plight for the little J and his siblings-
From the Centers, it was only Angela and Jim. Derek and I both like Jim. We will just say that up front. He has been nothing but polite to us, good with the kids, and a decent person to talk to. Now Angela, - not so much. From my first encounter with her she truly ranks up there with some of the nastiest people I have ever met! Think high school mean girl behavior- Just nasty- Case in point - we set ground rules about how we are going to conduct the meeting, - she starts and verbally in front of everyone attacks my character... you know- I wanted to throw the penalty flag and put her in the corner but I kind of set back and thought... Go ahead... finally let's let everyone see how you really feel about the Rowans, about me especially. And Angela should have been given an Oscar- she the entire 2 hours acted like a complete fool-- with the exception of frothing at the mouth she was just as rude, belligerent, and ugly as she had been since my first meeting with her. My husband has never really dealt with the people side of this- he has been the supporter- the behind the scenes guy for me where I could tell him what was going on and he would give guidance for the next step. I think at one point I was concerned that he was going to "get out of his seat" and show them that he contrary to their earlier popular belief was really black! (and that has been a running joke with Derek and I for the last 18 months!)
But my point with that is.. it never changed ... in The Centers eyes, as Angela so frothy said "We never considered you"
Now when we were asked to respond, Derek immediately stepped up and said "No, I will respond to that ...." and from there as always it was just a show.. we probably could have sold tickets, popcorn, and drinks... when you deal with ignorant people as Angela clearly is, there is no hope. Like I tell my self all the time... you can't argue with a drunk- and that describes her personality to a tee-
You know things run through your mind when your emotions are stripped raw- and at one point I thought.... how did we get here? and then Debbie finally clears it all up....she says.. "You know what.. we made a mistake, we didn't call you- we didn't do our part"- Wow 18 months later you admit you messed up and now a sibling group will suffer. But you don't say your sorry - You say instead "I'm sorry for what your going through.... instead of ... we will make this right for those brothers"
I think the worst part of this process has been for us, is that they have been operating in cover-up mode from the very beginning. They have never been able to see past their fear of their own mistake....And they have always painted us to be this "irrational family from Jacksonville trying to "steal" these kids! Which I just have to laugh.
At one point Angela again goes off on this tirade that I have this secret information ... it's all I can do not to laugh. Clearly she has not knowledge of FULL disclosure-- but we all need to be able to have some humor sometime and for me it is how crazy this makes her. When she talks about this "secret" information that I have she almost turns red- I mean it is really eating her up that she thinks we have this "secret" information- and to my own humor I finally asked her ... since I already have this "secret" information can you please share with the rest of the table what it is... I just couldn't resist.. and of course she is not allowed to share with anyone this "secret" information but the thought that I know this "secret" drives her crazy... and to that I say HA! If that's the only thing that gets your goat... keep thinking that.. as I said before CRIMINAL RECORDS, court proceedings, street corner jobs-- that is all out there for public view.. heck we can all drive through the hood and observe the family in their daily interactions... don't you smoke crack with your mom? And I am being sarcastic here... but that little "secret" in Derek and my mind has prevented her from moving forward one bit... and truth be told... my "secret" that I will now share with all of you is ..... I don't know what the secret is! LOL
Like I have always said-- statistics don't lie...
* the outcome for kids in care is not good- high drop-out rates, high illiteracy rates, high juvenile justice rates, high rates of incarceration, high rates of mental illness, and the list of bad things go on and on....
* you have 2 little black boys that are going to be raised without a mother and father by an elder great aunt??? really... professionals (and I use the word professional very sarcastic here) sat around a table and thought this would be in the best interest of these boys.. in 2 years, in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years.... No, like I have said before.. the termination of parental rights did not occur because they would have lost their battle with us- The little J would have had his siblings immediately-

I still think it's funny that the Centers were asked to have a meeting (per DCF) to increase unsupervised visitation, to move toward extended visits and to possibly review what is in the best interest of this sibling group... I got the memo, DCF got the memo... but as usual the Centers did not- From the very beginning they opened the meeting as they always do with "we are sending the boys to Alabama for good December 17- so we want to offer you as many visits (SUPERVISED) as possible.... and sometimes you just have to bite your tongue because at that point I wanted to say &#&@(&#(@&#(#&$(--- but contrary to popular NON-secretive belief I will not enter the gutter with you-- there is nothing good below your knees --- NOTHING, and I think everyone there saw how we had been treated over this 18 month ordeal....

You know sometimes you just have to step back and say... "You know God, I can't do this anymore. We have 4 kids that we are raising and this is just really affecting us emotionally. We have fought the good fight. We have done everything we can so that when the little J asks us we can go back and show him what really happened..." Is it the right thing to do- for us it is. We can't subject our family to drama that could damage our kids in the end. Tuesday was a rough day- but it only lasted for a day! God is good to the Rowan's - there is a promise of good things for us, more than we can ever imagine and that is what we believe. I can honestly say God has control of this HOT MESS!

Now, I will give you some comical highlights that Derek and I have chuckled about for the last 2 days.... and this is really an attempt to make a horrible situation light- You know Derek and I have been together for 18 years.. so we are very in tune to each other-- to what can make a terrible situation comical-- call it coping, call it immature, whatever.. it's the things that when you leave- you just think did I just sit through this?? and it's the highlights that make our friends shake their heads the most and tell us "y'all are just wrong!" but like we say... it's better than the alternative---

* We met in a neutral place- and it was a very nice rec center... and you know when you talk about rec centers they are for the most part AWESOME.... great activities for kids.. however
as you may or may not know.. most rec centers are in areas that need them the most-- not where the YMCA or JCA's are.. but really in very poor, run down, lost hope type of neighborhoods... and we are very familiar with that because a lot of our travel games are played in centers just like this, and a lot of our kids live in "these" neighborhoods... BUT we kind of laughed when we drove in.. there were some very questionable people in the woods, in the fields, and on the streets... it was sad really, but my husband cracks the joke.. "Oh, so is this part of the plan to unnerve us?''... I had to laugh- You bring us to the very place that you are sending those siblings and you yourself probably drive through here with the biggest amount of distaste... what are you calling these people under your breath.....

* Apparently I in the past have referred to the parents as "scumbags" - will not say that I haven't said that, but in that meeting, if Angela said that I called them scumbags once.. she must have said it a thousand times... it became her mantra "well she said scumbags..." Well you know what.. I stand by that comment... anyone that smokes crack, sells their body, steals, holds people hostage, doesn't seek professional help ... yeah that's pretty much what I think. And I have met Shameaka.. she is a year younger than are oldest daughter- and she has a serious disease- her entire family is addicted to drugs - did she ever have a chance? where was dcf when she was getting into trouble at 14, 15, 16.. dropping out of school- and let's talk about the first time she was arrested, or had her first baby removed in 2005- who failed her??? So while I refer to that behavior as scumbag my heart breaks for families that don't know Christ, that have addiction rampant... I mean I have never smoked crack with my mom- and I just don't get that life style. And the very people that could help her, that manage her case plan- let her down. Did they ever scoop her up- let her stay with them. provide a spiritual base for her? Did Aquanna help her? No, she made her pretty for court- but left her soul on the street- It's disgusting.. the very agency that took her kids failed her as a child, as a young mother, and as a client!
*Debbie Wise says to my husband "I'm sure your familiar with the judicial process" - I almost fell on the ground laughing.... To which my husband replies... No, I'm not-- I've never been arrested, and I don't plan on it...." which cracks us up because now our guess is since they consider him "black" and therefore assume that he knows all about the judicial process... You know we have had a blast with that one.... Like I have said the entire time.. his lack of blackness has been our downfall from the start... and you know when things don't go right for the last 18 months we have both said "I guess it's because your not black enough!"

* Jim Grant says... "Oh yeah.. there are people in my own family that I would not let my kids go around.. you just know that it's not good" to which Derek says... But your sending two little boys into a situation that is not good... unbelievable... Makes you just kind of sit back and think WOW--

* The best part for me .. or the one item that causes me to chuckle the most (other than the secretive information) was ..... 4 inch pastel pink heels worn by our very own Angela ... and my girlfriends will know.. more than anything... I despise those hooker heels... and you can imagine how I rolled my eyes.. and whispered to Derek and just sat there the entire meeting staring at those shoes... I mean really it is something that drives me crazy.. and here we are at a "family meeting" and you show up in a very nice pink sweater set, an appropriate gray skirt- NO STOCKINGS and pink hooker heels... have you no friends Angela... really... that is a big NO-NO.... or at least in the circles in which I run... you know "the secretive, non-drugging, non-drama, family oriented, PhD ones.... "

So while we work to put these last 18 months behind us I will leave you with this final thought... it's one I have gone back to and one I have shared with many of you before....

When Derek and I decided to adopt (something that we said we would do all those years ago) we said - 2 boys between the ages of 2 and 6- and God gave us just that - he had already given us one... we just didn't see it yet- that one just happened to be at the high end of the age requirement (15) and the other he gave just happened to be at the youngest age (2)! As I told the Big J last night... God knows what our soul needs at just the right time and the joy that both Jap and Jack have brought to us and our girls have been amazing. And the lessons that our kids learn from our actions speak volumes for who we are-

Derek and I will continue to be passionate about the kids that He brings to us... We have always believed that reaching back, setting the example, and showing the faith, is the only way that our youth who need it most will succeed. We have been involved with "those" kids for most of our adult life- and the success that we are able to bring and share will continue. And, by some small miracle whether it be an act, a word, a kind deed, a road trip for basketball that makes that child feel like someone loves and cares for them- then for us it was all worth it.

We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support, prayers, kind words, and humor through this entire ordeal! While we are letting go we firmly believe that God will continue to work His goodness in all those who were involved.

One group that was silent in the end process was the Guardians. Marsha Hilty sent our attorney a letter and asked us not to contact them- To Jan, Sue, and Christina- we don't blame you for remaining silent in the process. We understand the political arena in which you work. We are sorry that kids will not have the future you sought us to provide.

Have a great Thanksgiving! I'll post pictures of our feast later! It is sure to be a hoot- or a gobble!

But these things I plan won't happen right away.

Slowly, Steadily, Surely,

the time approaches when the vision

will be fulfilled.

If it seems slow be patient!

For it will not be late by a single day.

Habakkuk 2:3