The beginning of the year (January - March) was a whirlwind! I knew there was a lot to be done, and that April would surely come, but the relief that it is now June 2 is AMAZING!! I purposely set my mind to NOT accept anymore outside responsibilities other than those I had committed to until the end of the school year. For some, that is an easy task. For me, it was very hard. No has not been a steady word in my vocabulary for sometime. During this time, April - June I really thought about why I felt the need to NOT say NO- It was really grounded in my upbringing I think, or that is where I went in my brain.
A great portion of my early childhood was spent with my great-grandparents. There is never a time that I remember them not doing something. They had a nice size farm, so they were always working on their farm (feeding cows, filling up buckets, fixing with fence, etc) or working at their church, or working in the community, or following us around with ball, or other random activities we were involved in. I don't ever recall them being still- even in the end of both of their lives they were still actively telling us what they still needed to do.
My mom, was much the same way. It seemed she was never home; always involved in some activity which usually involved or centered around one of us. She was also a nurse, which for us meant she had relatively little appreciation for headaches, or other various illnesses we may have had. To be on the go was just a way of life.
Being raised by in a family of go'ers seems to have made me internalize that sitting still is NOT a good thing. It breeds laziness and complacency with life. That mindset has driven me from a young age. I don't really remember a time that I was ever still or not involved with a lot of activities in some way.
These last two months have really been a struggle for me both internally and externally. For me, saying NO brings huge feelings of guilt. All the questions start to pop-up- who am I letting down, what will they think of me, why can't I just do it, I wonder if it will get done; externally I wonder if people think I just don't care anymore, or if I am leaving my church, or if I am not excited to be part of my school team.. It's obsessive to some degree. At one point I could not even relax because I felt sure that I was forgetting to do "something". It was a crazy 2 months-
BUT... there has been a positive! I can finally say I have embraced my relaxed pace of life. It has been great to be OFF after school! I have found that I have found renewed energy for the jobs that I chose to keep. I'm excited for practice that can last a couple of hours, I actually like watching a show with Jackson, and I don't feel RUSHED!!
Most amazing from all of this... nothing that I said no to did NOT happen! Nothing fell apart, and no body (to my knowledge) suffered!
For me, it has been positive. It has allowed me to be still and draw near, to see clearer, and to remember I am not in this life alone. God has away of reeling us in, that allows us to focus on who we are, or what we need to become and for this I am very thankful! I feel thankful and rested. I can see clearly and not worry about all that needs to be done- Most importantly I have time for each of my kids and they have tremendously enjoyed that (my view not theirs! LOL)
As we enter into Summer FUN I have NO planted firmly in my head! I refuse to get lured into extra activities, or put in situations where I feel I must help, because I have learned, when I say NO- the person that asks, just simply moves to the next person. So in a way, I consider myself as a vessel for others to contribute to public service!
It's recital weekend around here! Another big accomplishment for Macey and Briley! I can't even begin to express in words how proud of them I am! They are so good and I am excited about our FREE time this summer!!
We have 3 1/2 more days of school! Our house can HARDLY contain the excitement!
Stick around for summer time fun!!!
